Mar. 17th, 2015

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I've been home (the sweet, sweet suburbs of DC) for spring break a few days now, catching up on being a human (well-balanced meals!?) but still feeling latent anxiety about the past few weeks of school and preemptive anxiety about the weeks to come. Trying to just breathe and enjoy this time off with my family but I feel like there's this constant pressure on my chest making my heart race at a thousand miles a minute.

Part of the problem is I have so many unfinished projects at home (the film camera I keep meaning to use, the eternally looming Euro-Trip Scrapbook Endeavor, a billion recipes to make, a trillion unread books). I always have extravagant plans of finishing at least one of them, but my time at home usually zips by in a flash and before I know it I'm back at the train station and all I've accomplished is the viewing of a lot of bad television with my mom and not much else. I should probably take it easy on myself and lower my expectations for a scant week at home, but I feel like this is symptomatic of a larger problem I have with never finishing what I start. All I do is make endless to-do lists and never actually get around to to-doing. For instance, my great plans for a strict health/exercise/nutrition regimen of 2015 have amounted to me being at my heighest weight ever (essentially one large molecule of carbohydrate) with horrible skin. I'm so frustrated with myself for not being able to follow through on stuff that other people find so simple. I'm even behind on updating this journal, which is the lowest-pressure commitment imaginable.

Anyway, so that this entry is not just a whiny stream of consciousness, I pledge to myself the following: I will be productive tomorrow. I will do a little bit of schoolwork to prove to myself it's not an insurmountable task. I will pick one at-home project and, at the very least, start it. Upon my return to NY, I will make an actual gym plan and stick to it. I will cease to be on an all-burger diet.

Also I have done some actual fun things at home beyond being anxious and berating myself. I went to the National Gallery of Art and looked at some things. I got my parents hooked on House of Cards. My dad supports my odd new fountain pen obsession and gave me the fountain pen he used to use in the 70s. I had dinner with my friend Sydney, who goes to Georgetown Law (we commiserated). Things aren't so bad.

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